Hey!!!

So I haven’t blogged in a while mostly because I’ve been kind of stuck., I’ve been stuck in a space where I have so much to say yet nothing to say at all. My 48th birthday came and went. It began so beautifully and left so violently that it spun me around to the point where I think I’m still trying to get my footing. I spent the first part of September dining with friends making plans to celebrate bringing this 48th year of my life in with joy ,expectations and love. Who knew that I would close out my birthday week burying a friend of who fell victim to domestic violence and suffered her death due to a gunshot wound to the head at the hand of her lover, who then in turn killed himself….”instant limbo”….

Life is so funny …earlier I spent a large portion of this year praying and journaling and trying to heal myself of certain things in order to position myself in such a way that I would be ready to receive a relationship if the wind blew the chance my way. And after the loss, the tragedy that September bought, so violent and so final , it gave me pause. Made me think about my choices and my desires …Made me wonder if they were legitimate and if they needed to be realized at all. And if I was not indeed better off alone. Now I know that God did not create us to be alone, but after surviving a very tumultuous relationship myself, after being a survivor of domestic violence at a very young age at the hands of a boyfriend and a father ,as a woman approaching 50, single and divorced ….I’m in limbo. I’m stuck!!! How do we know when red flags are present when they are cleverly disguised as good intentions and cloaked as mistakes. Mistakes…..”oh He didn’t really mean it….” (this school of thought can in time prove fatal)…My God… how do we see past the mask of a smiling face that hides the grimace of rage underneath??? In this age and at this stage in life ,dating is not for the faint of heart . Each participant carries so much baggage, so many experiences, so much resentment, unfulfilled hopes and lost dreams, and heartbreak, and repeat ,and stir ,and add water, and repeat, and shake and dust off, and repeat!!!!!! SMH. And you try to find a happy medium..a sweet spot, some commonality that will link you .But far too often what links two people together is recognized brokenness and shared pain. And because that’s a southern fried recipe for disaster. So I’ll wait… in limbo.

I have become quite comfortable in my routine. Going to work coming home, making food ,having a “cuppa” tea , journaling, working on my brand ,then drifting off to sleep while watching Golden girls. don’t laugh! what’s better than Golden girls ? I’m sorry that’s absolutely the best show ever made!!! But I digress… This routine was not healthy. Because even though I felt I was being productive , I was Blogging, working on my boutique ,or pushing my brand , even communicating with friends online… I was really becoming a glorified hermit. I was hiding myself from the world, deeply desiring connection but being too afraid of allowing the heart that took so long to put back together, to be broken again. So it’s safer in here, in my hobbit hole ,with Blanche and rose and my pecan pralines. But does safety equal happiness? Does safety always equal health? Does safety always equal peace? We were created to be creatures of relational habits. We were not created to live in solitude and I know that deep down in my “sha-na-na” . Listen,I desire a relationship and there are those that desire a relationship with me, but because of fear I quickly find every reason that a relationship shall fail, cut it off at the pass and retreat back to safety. And this is the “game” of limbo. When I started writing this piece I thought about limbo being a space where you hang in the balance between two decisions ,two occurrences, two places. But it’s so funny because I can also reference the actual party game to describe where I am. In the party game of limbo you bend over backwards ,Completely uncomfortable and unnaturally in order to fit under a small space that is dictated by a bar that’s held by other people. And I feel like sometimes that’s exactly what we do. We have stretched and bended and twisted ourselves to fit into this unnatural space because of a bar that was set emotionally by other dysfunctional people. And it’s not what we were created to do which is why so many of us are unhappy in our safe space ,because its unnatural. So as I continue to heal and pray and journal and forgive, and pray and venture out into participating in more social things that will bring me out of this” limbo” I urge you to do the same. And if anything that I’ve written today strikes a cord with you, resonates with you, (even the domestic violence portion) come out from under the bar with me!!! Stop hanging twisted and mangled between two opinions , in an uncomfortable space…wearing lip-gloss but stuck, smiling and stuck, cute outfit but stuck, dating constantly but actually stuck, anti-social and stuck, declining every invitation and stuck, drinking yourself to sleep and stuck….STUCK IN LIMBO! And let’s learn to live again, trust again, commune again…. the way our Creator intended us to…to live relationally and fearlessly with the divine expectation of love in its most healthiest form. ..But I’m still watching golden girls…every night.. boyfriend or not! There are just certain things that are not up for negotiation….. Rest in power Naire McCormick. Your love is cyclical!

-Sue❤️

(**cue “thank you for being a friend”)