Believe

So I woke up this morning bright and early coffee in hand pen and paper in the other ready to check my Boutique orders and get my day rolling to a great start! I opened my laptop ready to live the life of a entrepreneur and the what is it I expected unexpectedly we’re not there!…OK OK all is not lost I said to myself I said self let me go onto social media and check to see how many people liked my new blog posts !!! so I looked at my stats and although my reach and my interaction numbers are skyrocketing the number of people that actually commented or liked my content is almost a4th of that…..drats!OK so I get my little prince ready for vacation Bible school grab what was left of my coffee and head out the door . I figured I’ll just try a different approach. something must be wrong. There has to be something I’m not doing right and with in the 10 minutes it took for me to walk to the church I started to hear that small voice in the back of my head, that nagging voice that started looping …tell me once again “so yeahhhhh Sue…I don’t think this is going to work.”

But I shook it off !!! I did my time volunteering at vacation Bible school. I sang this songs ,I clapped my hands ,I did the science experiment ,I put a smile on ,but all the while I was telling myself that I was going to tackle this my way ! so as I walked home with my son on his scooter beside me , I envisioned myself …(skinny jeans ,converse on…in my head on a boom box a deep voice is resigning the Invictus poem …and kid Capri is cross fading and scratching a record in the background ) For those of you that don’t know that’s a serious old-school hip-hop reference! Power music and determination! Boom! I’ve got this !!!! But as I put the key in the door the voice over rode my whole soundtrack …because I knew as soon as I opened that laptop the orders or lack there of would still be there and the social media interaction would still be the same and I all the sudden allowed the presence of those facts to override the vision that was placed in my belly along time ago for the brand that I wanted to create. And all of this and I started to doubt everything!

“Our doubts are traitors,
and make us lose the good we oft might win,
by fearing to attempt.”

-William Shakespeare

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Pause!!! I want a redo!

I remember waking up .. no scratch that !! JUMPING up out of my sleep that morning ! Heart racing .. pounding a million miles per second .. In my throat , my ears , my chest .. shoot I felt it in my eyelashes ! I was late ! Super late !!! Anxious !!! And angry !! I was sweating ! I wanted to cry ! I had trouble breathing .. the beating increased .. pounding away in my chest .. I was horror stricken and disoriented .. fumbling around my dimly lit hobbit hole for my phone ! ( you know the device that saves your life ) I suppressed a few tears and a few choice words long enough to open my screen to see what time it was … to see just how late I was .. for what ? I wasn’t sure .. to my horror I saw that it was 8 am … on a Saturday…. and I was in fact late for nothing .. nothing at all! Then it dawned on me….. Dammit MENOPAUSE!!!!!!!!

I had in fact been jolted out of a sweet dream I might add by the horrible occurrence of hormone induced heart palpitations…. ok… here we go…..

Let’s add THIS to the growing list of flipping pleasantries ….

Anxiousness

Anger

Insomnia

Weight gain

Anger

Dizziness

Excessive forgetfulness

Anger

Mood swings

Adult acne

Irregular periods

Hair thinning

Anger

Breast swelling

Breast shrinking

A mustache

More anger

A beard ….

And now morning heart palpitations!!!!????

This is not even sexy ! I’m so sorry as a younger woman I couldn’t wait to get rid of my period ! To be rid of all the cramps , the pain , the mess …oh I was counting the years . However no one warned me that it would come in exchange for my sanity and every shred of dignity owned . I had just come to terms with the fact that I had to leave post it’s around my home for myself to remind “me” to do basic stuff ( pay a bill, you need toilet paper , your keys are on the shelf , shave your legs and pluck your beard…etc ) you know the usual ….

But this wasn’t just annoying ,this scared me to death . I didn’t like the feeling of being so helpless so out of control and unaware… damn you HORMONES! are these the same things responsible for my fits of rage ? My uncontrollable crying ? My 4am cupcake binges? Me sitting up in my bed in the dark thinking about plotting my revenge on a rude customer from last month ? The fact that most of the days of the month I spend in elastic waist pants ? Yikes ! hormones are a hell of a drug !

I was so happy that at 47 in full swing of being peri menopausal, that I had not fallen victim to the dreaded personal summers. The embarrassment of profuse sweating and the need to shred every inch of clothing off of your body . I mean one night I though someone had broken in my house , doused me with kerosene and set my chest alight .. but hey that was a one off freakish episode … for the most part … . I had dogged that bullet !

But what am I to do ? What are we to do with this metamorphosis? most days my biggest goal is not to turn into a short bald black man !!! This transformation? It’s not bad ass and sexy like a real transformer, a gobot, Voltron, or being an X-men … like this sucks!

So I decided to romantically embrace it! Ladies .. what else a can we do ? If it were my decision I would get off this ride but the alternative to aging is death . I’ve lost so so many female family members and friends who never got to experience the PRIVILEGE of growing a beard. Or watching their estrogen pack up and rapidly divorce their body …daily.

So…. if I have to wake up like a lunatic once in a while .. rip off my beard … slap on some acne medication .. hoist up my breast and restock my post It’s I’ll do it with a smile !

Being over 40 is a gift ! A privilege!

So no pause for me !…I’m going to rock out until the wheels fall off!

Besos

-Sue

Never say you’re too old for stickers..

So today I was schooled by a seven year old….

This particular little person was accompanied by his mom and younger sister in the store where I work.As his mom was leaving I offered his tiny sister a long strip of children’s stickers. She squealed as I handed them to her..her face lit up with delight and the squeal was followed by a barrage of words that I choose to believe were “thank you’s” ( I needed an interpreter)..

Then I looked over at him ( the big brother) and my mommy memory kicked in. As a mother of four you KNOW that you cannot leave anyone out . The playing field has to be leveled at all times to keep the peace! So against my better judgement I asked him..”hey buddy , I know you might feel that you are too old for these ..but would you like some”

You see I wanted him to feel included but I also wanted to be very careful not to acknowledge the obvious age difference…after all seven is a big deal..you gotta respect it! Then came the answer that flipped the script!

Little Boy: ” Umm no thanks ..but as a rule I generally don’t like to think of myself as too old to do anything..it limits me! ( then he left me standing there ..staring…)

Me: “well alrighty then…”

40 something lady behind him in line as he and his family walked off: ” Hell yeah little man I’m with you!”

“Children ..with their pure joy,bravery and practical speech can be, if we let them..our greatest teachers.”
-S.Sanders

Did this little person just teach me one of the greatest lessons I need in this season? Have I been thinking of my self as too old to do things? To try things? To learn things? Was I limiting myself? Was I allowing others to dictate that I might be too old to do things, by taking in their “labeling” of me as them just being sweet or attempting to be relative? Was I subconsciously counting myself out by internally replaying my birth-day instead of relying on what I could birth To-day? Dang little -non wanting a sticker-master splinter-little-so and -so…Thank yous sensei! My gosh he was right..I had to go to the breakroom with a coffee and ruminate on this tiny one’s revelation. After I got myself together I decided ..Today that I am no longer too old for stickers! Yes I am Far..far FARRRR from 21! Hell I’m 21 twice then throw some Mo’ ova top-a that! lol! But so what!? I have to know..correction WE have to know that we have so much more to offer those around us. And so much more to learn in order to best serve the world we live in.The bible says where there is life there is hope ! HOPE!

Sing with me ” strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow..blessings all mine and ten thousand beside!” (sorry I had a moment) TEN THOUSAND BESIDE??? I want them..and they come in many forms. and yet we ,quite ceremoniously I might add, count ourselves out because of age??

In the words of the prophet (rap artist ) Future ” I WANT ALL THAT SMOKE!” I want everything that this life has to offer. I have had major set backs that have caused me to question my worth,beauty,talent,value,validity,identity,and position. But I know better now..and I want you to know better as well. There is nothing at this age that you can’t do! NOTHING! Do you want to_____? Fill in the blank and do it!It’s never too late! I am on a new wave of self acceptance and self love and its glorious.

So you see my beauties… I want YOU To feel included.. But I purposely want to be very careful TO acknowledge the obvious age differences..because no matter what they are ,they’re DOPE!…after all if you’ve made it to 30,40,50 and beyond it is a BIG DEAL..and you have to embrace it and respect it…and decide now to live your very best life!

Get your stickers girl!

BESOS,

S,Sanders